WTF is this Monstrosity?!?

[Deebs]

Still think it looks like a Tarnished Plant Bug (Lygus lineolaris ) as stated due to its marking.

Markings seems to match~
Adult tarnished plant bugs are 1/4 inch in length with flattened dark brown bodies and white or yellow markings along their backs and wings. Summer adults are lighter in color than overwintered adults. Adult bugs have a distinct yellow v-shaped marking behind their heads and yellow triangles on the tips of their wings.

 

[MacGydro]

Ugh, so they get bigger, eh? That would’ve been a "Godzilla Aphid" to me lol
These are maybe 1/8".

I think you guys are all correct on the ID, so thanks for the great detective work!

I haven’t seen the damage yet today, but hopefully this is a pest that’s only around for a week or two of the season...